The husband has a job that has him travelling – sometimes a lot, sometimes not but travel he does. Before we had Z, if I wasn’t tagging along with him – I was most content to hang out at home and do my own thing – in my own space; till he got back. I would cry a bit when he left (yes, I’m sensitive that way) and feel tremendously miserable the first night but slowly that sadness would pass and I’d settle into my comfortable routine of sleeping diagonally on the bed, watching Grey’s Anatomy, making my favourite foods which he detests, window shopping and reading all day long!
Now, I’m flat out terrified every time he leaves. He’s just left -for what looks like it could turn into a ten day trip. When did I find out he’s leaving? 3 hours before he had to leave. I had three hours to stop the tears whilst I fed Z, three hours to get out of panic mode and make a list of the groceries I may nee immediately and three hours in which I had to continue with my routine schedule with Z so as not to disrupt his day while all along my heart was thumping and I just wanted to spend time with the husband before he left.
The first time I really had to sink or swim was when Z was four months old and he had a sudden unplanned trip. We were not home, we were in another country. It was hard. Z was not on solids and he was going through what seemed like a ‘wonder month’ where feeds took over an hr each time, pumps were 6 times a day and I had no access to any of the conveniences of home. I was scared and very very nervous. I cried so much that first night. Called my sister and bawled my eyes out. I still get the shivers when I think of that night. But I survived it. And many others like it since then. Each time it got easier. But the stress remains.
Now, I hope and pray that these next few days too may be smooth. That Z keeps good health and so do I. I got this. I can do it. I know I can. I will focus on the positive. Not on the negative. Not on what could be but on what I can do with what I have.
And I’m counting down the days when he’s back. Because I don’t just miss him. I miss me.