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Scream

Z is just about 16 months. Far far away from the terrible two’s. But he doesn’t want to wait. he has started his slide into tantrums and drama’s. Sigh. He is still irresistibly adorable (little less when he’s throwing and flinging stuff around), still loves his ta ta tas (banana’s) and still completely kissable.

Very reluctantly I pulled out my toddler books today. No, I haven’t had time to read any of them yet but I’ve taken them out. I need them I think. Esp since last nights episode of flinging the phone. Three times. Twice, after being reprimanded. *sigh*

Its been just over a month since my last pump. I DO NOT miss it. But I still get milk. ha! And I feel a bit weird about storing away my beloved pump. Still.

Thought Id have more time after I stop pumping. And I do. But I don’t. I have more time but its spent climbing stairs (yes we moved into a larger house with one more level – just for fun to stress my knees out) and its spent tending to the garden (i love that but its hot and hard work) and most of it is spent chasing Z around.

The husband does not believe in childproofing the home. He believes I have twenty pairs of hands and double that number of eyes in my head. So he relies on me to watch Z. Which leaves me exhausted. Stairs, split level living rooms, gardens, kitchens, crockery stored in sideboards, fans, glass vases, high sofas..everything is a hazard and a nightmare. I only relax when Im in bed, and even then, not completely.

Not complaining. Just releasing the pent up stress.

Someday I will figure it all out and be able to unwind. Soon I hope.

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Angel of Mine

Why do babies grow so fast? When Z was born, I can barely remember the first week (except that we were battling his jaundice). The first month was a blur. Pumping continuously and dealing with a brand new baby combined with no sleep and a new house was too much. Then the days dragged. I was constantly tired, always exhausted and missing my pillow so darn much. I struggled (although at the time I barely registered anything except exhaustion) with balancing my pumping times with his feeds, washing up bottles, sterilising, washing up pump parts, feeding, pumping, washing up diapers – it was never ending. I had no much help. Mum was told (by me) not to do anything but play with Z if she felt like. And the husband helped but then he had to go back to work so the entire day was mine to work. It was hard. When we went to Norway at 4 months I was exhausted with the schedule. I just wanted a break (I still do actually)

But then we came back. He was older. At six months he started solids. That gave me a bit extra work to make his food from scratch but it also was fun. (To make things extra fun we cloth diaper, and when he started solids we did baby led weaning and only home cooked food.) He began to interact more, laugh a lot, develop his personality and I began to fall in love. Again. Reminding me; again, how it was all worth it. The next few months simply disappeared in a flash. And here I am at 13+ months smiling and reminiscing. Why do babies grow so fast?

I love you my fierce lil, beautiful gooey eyed, always smiling for Ammi, banana loving, hand waving dancer, sweet baby boy. Stay this way sunshine. you are perfect.

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Walking on Sunshine!

I love being a mother. When it was just the Husband and me, I never thought much about having a child or raising a family. I knew , somewhere deep inside that I wanted to.But I never really spent time daydreaming about it or anything like that. And then we got pregnant and I started to get excited. When Z was born, the first few weeks were/still are a blur. And then they added up to months and before I knew it, Z was inching closer and closer to his first birthday. With tat, it also celebrates my first year as a mother. I love being a mother! I love how much this child has changed me.

I am so much more than I was before.

I am patient. So much more patient! with my husband, with my parents, with my siblings and my friends.

I am indifferent. To negativity. To differing opinions on raising my child (if they are not valid, justified or better in any way I have no trouble dismissing them) To people who dislike me. I don’t lose sleep any more about what others think of me. It doesn’t matter at all.

I am kinder. To children. To older people. To my husband, who is doing way more than he can and yet never ever relaxes unless I am sitting down too.

I am stronger. A lot more stronger than I imagined. I can get by on less than 5 hours of sleep (though I don’t know for how much longer!) and I push my body to do much much more than I’ve ever made it do in the last 30 odd years.

I am positive. I am blessed. My family is a blessing. My child is a gift and my life is simple and joyous. Even in my moments of sorrow and sadness, I smile because I know I have a blessed life. Thank God for every single moment I live. Because it truly is wondrous!

Being a mother has changed me for the better. I am calmer now and I am no longer anxious or irritable. Of course I do get angry, annoyed, snap and grumble often enough. But I cans sense the change inside me and I love it! Thank you my sweet lil Z. You make me a better person every day. I love you so much my darling boy. I always always will.

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Eight Months

Eight months. Eight Months! Eight Months!! really?? where has the time gone lil Z? You are now crawling – backwards more than forwards and frogging it more than actually crawling but you’re moving! Your diet has gone from 100% Breast milk to avocados, pears, apples, bananas, salmon, chicken, broccoli, carrots, spinach, rice, sweet potatoes, plums, whew! I can barely keep up! 

You are still (thankfully) on only breast milk and I hope and pray i can keep it that way for as long as possible.

You smile so much now. And you giggle when we tell you stories, jabber away with your toys, you straight out belly laugh when we kiss your tummy and you are not afraid to voice your opinions on the weather.

Always happy to see us, happy to go out, happy to take a pram ride, happy to sit in your Tula, happy to eat what’s in front of you and happy to get into bed, happy to get a diaper change and happy to talk with your friends (Mousie, Octo, Capo, Cato, Snoopa, Sophie and Lil Bee)

I am completely in love with you. I cannot stop kissing your sweet lil face. You are really a blessing, you know that? Don’t grow up so fast sweet baby boy. You make every thing worthwhile. Everything.

 

 

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And So It Begins….

….my baby boy has started on solids. Never thought it would hurt so much. He will no longer be completely sustained by my milk. He is growing up. I guess we don’t really think about it much but our babies are constantly moving away from us. All through our pregnancy we walk about with this lil miracle growing inside us not really realising that the day this baby is born is the day we cease to have the ability to protect it the way we can when its inside our womb. And from that day onwards, our baby grows and grows independently.

While I (of course) think this is a wonderful thing, it doesn’t take away the pain felt each time my baby needs me a little less in his life. Solids is the first step. I guess if he was on formula I may have felt it a bit less, but the fact remains that he’s been exclusively breast milk fed so far (and it continues as long as I think I can manage pumping) and seeing hi take delight in tasting that tiny bit of avocado made my heart melt and then hurt – just a wee bit. *sigh*

I love you my darling boy! can’t believe how blessed we are to have you. Your joy at the little things in life. The way you approach each new day with a beaming smile and a furious shake of your tiny lil hands….your constant curiosity and alertness and your incredibly infections happy moods…the way you accept every single new food offered (avocados, rice cereal, oatmeal, pears, sweet potatoes) even though you don’t quite like a couple of them….you are the brightest spots in my day and I can only thank God for giving us you.

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Six Months

Where did half a year go? when did you grow so big that I can no longer contain your limbs within my arms – they keep spilling over onto my lap…when did your sweet lil guzzles and grunts turn into proper two syllabled “aaabbbaaa” and “aaamaa”? Ah sweet baby Z, watching you sleep right now and my heart starts to ache with a bitter sweet pain…that I will no longer have my lil newborn to kiss and cuddle, swaddle and hug. I now have a wriggly, squirmy, noisy boy who has opinions and doesn’t hesitate to share them. I miss my lil newbie but I am eager to discover my noisy boy too….life is bitter sweet isn’t it?

 

 

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15 Weeks! (and two days)

How fast you grow my darling boy!

Was taking Z for a walk in the stroller the other day when we passed a new mum holding her spanking new baby in her arms. The little angel was so so tiny! just a little ball of wonder and my heart melted. Please note, I am not the kind of woman who gushes and goos at babies. I like them but I’m not the one who’ll rush to hold them or kiss them. But seeing this lil one reminded me of my sweet Z. And it all came to me in a rush then, he’s no longer a newborn, He’s an infant now. I can no longer hold him in a cradle pose and expect his limbs to tuck neatly in my arms. The breastfeeding pillow tilts at a precarious angle when I lay his heavy body on it and yes, the legs are way off the edge. His 0-3 months clothes are tight and he holds his head up observing every little thing that is around him. I miss his sweet sleepy jaundiced gaze when he was a newbie. ut I’m falling in love with his assertive gooey eyes and strong chubby hands that grab and yank my hair constantly.

Oh Baby Z, you are my constant joy! and I love you.