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Scream

Z is just about 16 months. Far far away from the terrible two’s. But he doesn’t want to wait. he has started his slide into tantrums and drama’s. Sigh. He is still irresistibly adorable (little less when he’s throwing and flinging stuff around), still loves his ta ta tas (banana’s) and still completely kissable.

Very reluctantly I pulled out my toddler books today. No, I haven’t had time to read any of them yet but I’ve taken them out. I need them I think. Esp since last nights episode of flinging the phone. Three times. Twice, after being reprimanded. *sigh*

Its been just over a month since my last pump. I DO NOT miss it. But I still get milk. ha! And I feel a bit weird about storing away my beloved pump. Still.

Thought Id have more time after I stop pumping. And I do. But I don’t. I have more time but its spent climbing stairs (yes we moved into a larger house with one more level – just for fun to stress my knees out) and its spent tending to the garden (i love that but its hot and hard work) and most of it is spent chasing Z around.

The husband does not believe in childproofing the home. He believes I have twenty pairs of hands and double that number of eyes in my head. So he relies on me to watch Z. Which leaves me exhausted. Stairs, split level living rooms, gardens, kitchens, crockery stored in sideboards, fans, glass vases, high sofas..everything is a hazard and a nightmare. I only relax when Im in bed, and even then, not completely.

Not complaining. Just releasing the pent up stress.

Someday I will figure it all out and be able to unwind. Soon I hope.

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And So It Begins….

….my baby boy has started on solids. Never thought it would hurt so much. He will no longer be completely sustained by my milk. He is growing up. I guess we don’t really think about it much but our babies are constantly moving away from us. All through our pregnancy we walk about with this lil miracle growing inside us not really realising that the day this baby is born is the day we cease to have the ability to protect it the way we can when its inside our womb. And from that day onwards, our baby grows and grows independently.

While I (of course) think this is a wonderful thing, it doesn’t take away the pain felt each time my baby needs me a little less in his life. Solids is the first step. I guess if he was on formula I may have felt it a bit less, but the fact remains that he’s been exclusively breast milk fed so far (and it continues as long as I think I can manage pumping) and seeing hi take delight in tasting that tiny bit of avocado made my heart melt and then hurt – just a wee bit. *sigh*

I love you my darling boy! can’t believe how blessed we are to have you. Your joy at the little things in life. The way you approach each new day with a beaming smile and a furious shake of your tiny lil hands….your constant curiosity and alertness and your incredibly infections happy moods…the way you accept every single new food offered (avocados, rice cereal, oatmeal, pears, sweet potatoes) even though you don’t quite like a couple of them….you are the brightest spots in my day and I can only thank God for giving us you.

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It’s Been a Hard Day’s Night

..and this week has been one of my hardest to get through so far. I have a headache that refuses to go away since tuesday and last night was probably one of the toughest nights for me since I’ve given birth.

Somewhere in Feb I started to notice my milk supply dropping. Of course I panicked. Started on fenugreek seeds twice a day (which works wonders BTW) and saw the supply slowly pick up. I reached a stage where I could actually start freezing my milk. And until yesterday I had built up a nice solid stash to help me out in case my supply ran low again or for emergencies. I worked hard to get that milk. Lots of pain and sleepless nights, lots of sacrifices in time spent at the pump after feeding baby, lots and lots of washing, sterilising parts, labelling jars…it was not easy. And then last evening we found the freezer door open. More than half of my frozen milk had defrosted. It was no longer viable. I took one look, walked into the living room, sank down on my sofa and sobbed. I have not cried that much or that hard for years. Maybe it was a bit hormonal too (but I was never hormonal during my pregnancy so it was new for me) and maybe it was a lot of pent up exhaustion and frustration but I really really cried. I cried for all my wasted efforts, and all my stress, all my loss of sleep and my hours and hours spent pumping instead of sleeping/reading/bathing/going out/relaxing/painting my nails or whatever.

I don’t ever ever want this to happen again and I was heartbroken.

But today is Jamshedji Navroze. A new year – the advent of spring. And with it I hope to have new beginnings and a new fresh outlook to life. The best is yet to come. Navroze Mubarak!

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Week Seven

When Z was born I tried putting him on the breast as soon as I could post the csec. I had never done any of it before so I was clueless as to whether too much time had passed or not and if that had affected the “bonding” everyone mentions. What I did know was that Baby Z had a great sucking reflex. He instinctively sought my nipple and sucked deeply. I was fortunate to have a steady and strong flow of milk very early. It was commented on and exclaimed loudly by practically every single nurse/lactation consultant who helped me latch-and there were many who did that. It was true, my breasts were constantly full and heavy, bordering on painful even after a good pump. I filled up bottle after bottle and there was just so much that we thought of donating some. And then it slowed down. I thought, maybe its regulating. (maybe it is) but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I was getting close to 100-130ml per pump session and this is stressful because Z consumes 120-130 per feed. I was losing my buffer.

Reading up on why supply can wane, I realised that one of the main factors can be stress and lack of sleep. Seriously??!! How on earth is a mother of a newborn supposed to get any sleep? As for stress, no sleep can do that to you. And the fact that your whole life has changed permanently. So what was I supposed to do then? Relax? Sleep? take a holiday?I wish!

I’m trying my best to relax. Destress and calm myself down. The Hus is a huge huge help at night when he does all the feeds but unfortunately I can’t sleep through them because I still need to pump. And in the meantime my supply still stays steady instead of increasing. So I’m determined to try out some of the stuff I found online.

  • Drink up!  – This is easy, I love water and can guzzle down litres. The reason I’m skipping on this is just plain tiredness and forgetfulness. No more. I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember now.
  • Sleep – Trying that. It’s dependent on so many outside factors that it’s not always easy to predict if it will happen in a day or not. But I’m giving it my best shot
  • Pump in a stress free environment – This should be easy right? but who really has the time to rearrange the room to get the right chair to sit in with a plug point right next to it so I can pump and ensure that it’s also cool and not stuffy, comfortable and calming. I don’t. So Im sticking to my current location and hoping that me writing my blog (I’m pumping now) or reading an ebook while doing it makes the difference instead.
  • Fenugreek – Supposedly this helps boost supply. I have the actual seeds at home so no harm in trying them right? Just swallowed a teaspoon full and fingers crossed I see the difference soon.
  • Oats – Now this one is tricky. I’ve always been indifferent to oats. During my pregnancy, I tried adding them into my Almond banana shake and immediately felt nauseous. I need to give it another shot. Not looking forward to it but I’ll  try anything for the milk!

So, fingers crossed it works and my supply increases. I really need this. *sigh*